So I feel I need to write tonight.... does it seem to you that the road you've chosen is just so endless and dark? I mean I don't want to seem all gloomy and deep, but as you know....I am a thinker and I am deeper than most. I have so many dreams and crazy ideas swirling around in this head of mine and sometimes I feel really overwhelmed....
Listening to "hate me" by Blue October..
....so why is it that after all these years and especially with shooting so many models and working with so many people....I just don't connect with people? I mean honestly it seems more like they don't connect with me.... I think people really read me wrong. I try to be friendly and talkative and interesting.....maybe Im too intense for some, too passionate, too in love with life....too miserable with who I am. I'm a tormented artist what can I say. I give wholly...I don't hold back...
Listening to Gary Jules: Mad World
I remember when I first heard this song by Tears for Fears....the whole "tape"...at the time....was so amazing and depressing and familiar. Do you ever find that depression sometimes feels so good? I know that sounds strange, but for some of us...its this dark safe place that brings out all these emotions and creativity seems to flourish there. I know its dysfunctional, but hey that's me in a nutshell. But yeah, if you get a chance...listen to the words of this song....I relate to it so much.
I know there must be so many people that have these ups and downs.
Listening to Code 64: Leaving Earth
Music has such a tremendous influence on the way some of us think. It drives us to be better and do better and sometimes it can take us down the darkest roads, to places we never knew still existed. But honestly I am in control of my crazy emotions these days. There was a time when I really wasn't....on the verge of madness and destruction all the time. I really hated who I was and who people around me were. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that way a lot, but I guess Im just in control of those feelings now for the most part....kind of like a superhero....only different....
You'll find that sometimes I have a very coherent message, straight forward and easy to understand, and sometimes I just drift from subject to subject.....and most of the time I don't care what people think of it...I do as I see fit. I'm still looking for Lloyd Rosen, he seems to be very complicated and elusive.....stay tuned, things could get interesting. Oh and soooo many photos to be posted, be patient. ahahah I'm not so sure anyone is reading this at this point anyway, but I don't mind talking to myself....its therapeutical. Oh and I am very dyslexic....so you will see lots of misspellings and words being left out......haha get used to it. Its funny.....good times....
Listening to Amy Lee: Sally's Song.....from Nightmare Before Christmas...remake
Listening to Death Cab For Cutie: Passenger Seat
I love piano...I LOVE music more than just about anything on earth. It moves me in deepest recesses. One of the best movies I think I have ever seen is "Shine" with Jeffrey Rush.....so moving. So damn amazing! I'm a sucker for the underdog rising above their circumstances and finding themselves in the end. I feel like that person so often....although I am living in reality and don't always end up on top...sometimes I just get set aside and forgotten. Not that its a bad thing, because luckily for me, my story isn't over yet. The credits haven't rolled and I still have time to make my triumphant ending.
Believe it or not........ Listening to PM Dawn: Sometimes I miss you
I was really loving PM Dawn when they first came out. I still think they have so many great songs. I love the lead singers voice and the rhythms they produce. But hey lets be honest, I also liked Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice back in the day. Don't lie, you liked some things that aren't popular now....haha life is funny how people try to hide and separate themselves from whatever is not cool or unpopular. Well I've always hated the current trends and the whole concept of being popular. Who cares....seriously, does it matter.....really?
I just realized how many words I misspell....thank god for Firefox browsers and their spell check ability...haha..... Hey some of the greatest minds were dyslexic...nothing to be ashamed of, its just who we are....deal with it.
Listening to: Placebo: Running up that Hill
In case you wonder, I have videos favorited on youtube and I listen to them back to back....technology is so great sometimes! The fact that you can stream digital music for hours...everything is at the tip of our fingers now.... So back to the fact that Im listening to Placebo.....It inspired a video that I am making...well I am still working on my black and white photo series and am making a video as well. I've done my own videos in the past and they turned out really great. Well I thought they did. I put music over them...very artsy I guess. But in this new installation there are several models and its all being done in black and white, very grainy and high contrast. I am really excited about the results so far.
So I guess I'll sign off for now.....the inspiration is slowing....the thought that most likely nobody will read this is a little discouraging I guess. haha such a selfish thought.
Listening to Assemblage 23: Disappoint
We're all very selfish creatures when it comes down to it though. If you are honest with yourself..... Well, anyways I guess the plan is to go to church tomorrow. God knows I need it! Life has been so strange....well not like it hasn't always been. But I've been feeling a little more aggressive and angry in general. I know I need something bigger than my little world to focus on. Its hard always being so self absorbed....my bills, my problems, my dreams.....I think its that whole survival instinct we have...to create this functional world around us takes a lot of work. I do get tired of trying sometimes. Wish I could just turn it all off and exist in someone elses world for awhile. Life is a strange thing isn't it. Wouldn't that be amazing if somehow you could know beyond a shadow of a doubt "God" was there right by your side, just like they tell you he is....I believe in God, but to REALLY believe.....without doubting would be very liberating. I guess thats another topic for another day...I do think about that a lot..... well if you are still reading....congratulations! You win the grand prize!!!! you get to go back to your world and not live in my head.....good job! haha.... seriously though...thank you if you do read this! I guess the thought that somebody might care enough makes me feel really amazing!
Listening to Assemblage 23: Damaged
These are really my lyrics.....sad but true....
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2 comments:
Doubt is very healthy, as is questioning everything.
I hear you loud and clear about feeling like you can't connect with people (I am the opposite to you though, I give away very little unless I trust you). Sometimes I feel like I'm in a glass box - I can hear and talk to people but there's always this invisible barrier that stops us from really knowing or understanding each other. Every now and again however, I meet someone or a group of people that really 'get' me....or at last totally accept me for who I am without trying to change me or demand that I make sense to them. The people who 'read you wrong' are the ones trying to make you - the square peg - fit into their round holes, whereas the people who are easy to be with just understand you and a very deep, instinctual level.
Being with other artists has been so liberating for me, being able to explore parts of my personality that'd I'd kept firmly locked down is blowing my mind a bit at the moment. I have learned that getting on with people is nice, but it doesn't make them friends and that's OK. All you need is half a dozen people who really, really get you. I can count the number of people who get the whole, uncensored me on one hand, but as long as I have them, it's all good.
Winston Churchill called his depression 'The Black Dog' and he used to go and spend time with his Pigs until it passed. When I get a visit from The Black Dog I figure it's best to play with him before he starts biting chucks out of me! Haha. I used to get completely despondent before I took up music, then art but now I see it as going into my pit in order to bring things back to the surface that I can use in my art. Every negative has a positive, it's not using it that's the true waste.
I would love to see you get much darker with your art, and not necessarily stick to photography.
I didn't even know I had a comment...haha...thank you for reading!!
I actually started with other types of art before I landed on photography. I painted, wrote, animation, music......soooo many interests! I just love the creative process more than anything else I think. Photography is just my current tool. Honestly what happened was that I was into so many different things that I couldn't seem to concentrate on one long enough to become good enough to satisfy the best inside. And I was so unfulfilled at being a jack of all, master of none and working for the man for so many years. So when I decided to land on photography and quit my day job to pursue something I love and something I could get paid doing I finally found a life outside of being a drone. But unfortunately I am a very ADD type person and needed to finally focus my energy on one thing at a time. So now finally I feel like I might be getting good at something for the first time in my life. Things are starting to kind of make sense to me. So yeah for now my one and only focus is photography.....it has to be or I lose sight of where I am going and what my purpose is................most people might not understand that.....but I am so used to being misunderstood that it really doesn't matter. One day I'll be the topic of discussion in schools around the world along with the other famous photographers..:).......one day......
But meanwhile thank you for reading....that's very inspirational! You make a lot of sense and might have an insiders point of view to the misunderstood people......
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